These past few days, all that’s been on my social media is people graduating college. It’s mainly people from school, but also some people who started college after me, and some people who I met freshman year and completely forgot about. I can’t help but feel a deep sense of regret for not being part of this graduating class.
I’m someone who believes in Divine Timing. I perceive everything to be working out in my favor, always, and that I am always exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Still, as much as I trust my Self and the Universe; I can’t seem to shake this sharp, unfamiliar twinge of inadequacy, which makes me think this is my first big Life Regret.
Throughout college, I never knew what I wanted to do. I’ll be a social worker, I thought. I spoke to an advisor about it in confidence that I still had another year to pick a major, and changing my mind wouldn’t be a big deal. I did, and it wasn’t.
Switch major.
I decided I loved the stars. How about an astronomy degree? Astronomers make about $100k per year. I’m set! Make it through these four years, then I’ll be rich.
I got a D in my first astronomy class.
Switch major.
How about philosophy? I enjoyed the thought-provoking conversations I had with my professors before and after class. So what if I don’t make a lot of money? I’m doing what I love!
It soon dawned on me that books on philosophy are everywhere, and I don’t need a degree to understand it. Why get a degree that won’t make me any money if I can just read about it on my own?
Switch major.
I love children! I thought. How about a preschool teacher? I would always have a job, even if it didn’t pay much. I could work on art or computers, and then if I ever needed it, I’ll use my degree to get a teaching job.
Well, if it’s just gonna be in my back pocket this whole time, why spend all this time and money in school? I should be perfecting my computer and art skills!
Drop out.
Or, as I put it, “taking time off”.
I took a semester off and worked, saving up my money. I was in a place where I felt good about how much I was able to save, and that I was simply not a person who would need a college degree.
Despite this assurance, I enrolled in an online associate’s program for advertising and graphic design due to pressure from my parents. Throughout the semester, I struggled, almost broke my computer, and drove myself insane trying to navigate the programs I needed to get my assignments done.
I’m still gonna finish this degree, I thought. This was the first time in my college experience that I was determined. That through adversity and challenges, I still wasn’t going to quit.
As I watch my core group of friends post their graduation photos with captions about jobs they’ve secured and cities they’re moving too, I begin to realize that this perseverance is what they’ve had all along. And while I was “following my intuition” and “going on my own path,” I was failing to realize that as hard as it is and as hard as it looks, I could’ve maintained the same perseverance throughout my college career and been done by the time I turned 22.
Yes, I have job experience now, but what does it amount to? I’ve worked, maybe, seven different types of jobs. What opportunities are waiting for me now? Yes, I have plenty of customer service experience. For what? So I can get “better” retail jobs?
I look at my friends who have moved back to our hometown, the one that I barely left, and see that although they moved with the masses, they got their four year degrees in four years. By the time I’ve spent six years in college, I’ll have earned a two year degree.
Yes, yes, I know. Comparison is the thief of joy. Maybe I would be fine if I logged off of social media and didn’t think about the accomplishments of my peers next to my lack thereof. Maybe I would be fine if I just dipped out into my own little abode.
The Bright Side
The bright side is that for the past four years, I’ve developed into a much better version of myself. I don’t completely understand myself, which is something I am learning to understand. I understand more about life, and what is beyond the social constructs of school and work. I’ve conquered fear and learned to live on my own path. I’ve been completely shattered and healed myself. I’ve carried myself through major spiritual awakenings. I’ve taught myself the secrets of Earth, our origins, and the Divine Feminine. I’ve thought for myself.
I’ve also developed my creative skills, teaching myself new jewelry techniques and working with different mediums, and regardless of the time it takes, I’m still finishing my degree in graphic design.
Maybe I should’ve had this realization sooner.
Maybe I should’ve valued my education more when it was less optional.
Maybe I will continue to trust in Divine Timing and soon find that I’ve been on the right path all along.
Maybe the best is yet to come.
Asè.
